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The Time-Traveler Dilemma

Suppose that you could travel through time and visit yourself in the past. Would it be gay to do so just so that you could practice kissing with yourself? I can see how it might be questionable if that were your only reason for going back in time, I guess. But what about if you were going back in time on an entirely different errand, say, in order to purchase some vintage pogs, and while you were back in time you happened to make out with yourself. Is that gay?

Nobody would argue that kissing your own hand indicates that you are a raging homophile. That would be ridiculous. So, what does it matter if the hand that you are kissing that is also your own is chronologically removed from you by two or ten or twenty-five years? It is basically the same thing. It just seems a little odd because the hand that is yours is not actually connected to your body.

Of course, you’d probably say that nobody kisses their own hand. That is pretty silly. Alright, valid point, but guess whose lips are always rubbing against each other. That is right, everybody’s. SO, your lips are already rubbing against each other right now, and they’ve been rubbing against each other in the past, and, guess what bub, they’ll be rubbing against each other in the future as well. Why not just get rid of all the time displacement and have your lips rub against each other in the future AND in the present at the same time? Efficiency!

Anyways, this entire discussion was so that I could mention that I was visited by my fifty-year-old, TIME-TRAVELING self the other day in the park. He was wearing a pretty dirty trench-coat and his hair was all matted and nasty. He told me that he was ME from the FUTURE and I’ll admit that I was incredulous because he smelled like booze, but I’ve never lied to myself before and he knew that my favorite color is blue. In actual fact, my favorite color is red, but he assured me that my preference would change in the future.

I’ll admit that it is kind of disappointing to find out that your future self looks, smells and acts like a crazy hobo. On the other hand, it is pretty cool to know that I’m going to eventually be traveling through time. That pretty much balances out the poor dental hygiene and constant bacon stains that will apparently plague me when I’m older. And hey, don’t spread it around too much, but I grow up to be a pretty fantastic kisser.

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