This morning after I got up I scribbled two notes to myself. To remind me of my dreams. Let me tell you about them, because that is always interesting.
The first note says “Catballs tyler mal breanna”.
I was outside the Tyler Mall on the side next to the freeway and Barnes & Noble. For some reason I had to eat the testicles of a tomcat. Offered to me in the sac, but unattached to a cat, they were oblong in shape (like the long purple grapes) and a little bit bigger. There were three testicles. Good job, cat? I put it in my mouth and started chewing and immediately had to fight off my gag reflex. They weren’t furry, in case you were wondering. Anyway I heaved and spit two of them out into a drain and then managed to swallow the third and straighten up. Somebody, I’m not sure who, congratulated me on eating all three and I decided to not mention the fact that I spit up two of them.
Why did I write down the name of my niece? I remember that I thought I should tell her about the dream, but I can’t remember her even being in the dream. My best guess is that she was being held hostage by terrorists who required me to eat cat balls in order to free her.
The second note says “Alt. Univ. Girl Walgreens”.
A girl, the object of my affection, was visiting me in the house where I lived when I was thirteen. Somehow she cut herself and I offered to get her a bandaid and some cotton and she also requested some sanitizing stuff. I’m not sure what it is called. I have a brown bottle in my head with contents that fizz and sting when they are poured on a wound. Anyway, I looked in the bathroom under the sink and it wasn’t there so I had to go out to get some. I was walking around by the church at La Sierra and I told the people I was with that we would just go off into the housing tract and hopefully happen upon a pharmacy.
The girl was SORT of being a jerk and rather stand offish and then I remembered that there is a Walgreens on the corner of La Sierra and Collett (there isn’t actually). I walked there and while I was walking I realized that the girl was from an alternate universe and that was why she didn’t love me! She loved alternate universe Joshua and had no room for me in her heart. That was a relief. When I got to the Walgreens I checked my shorts for my wallet and realized that while I had my cell phone and two pens my wallet was not in my pocket. I reached down further and checked the extra cargo pockets on my cargo shorts and felt a lump that was too small to be my wallet. It turned out to be half of my wallet. The other half had been bitten off by a shark or a tiger or something.
I thought that I needed to share this second story with my little sister, but again I have no clue why. She doesn’t seem to have played any part in it.
Stupid brain only half-remembering things that it made up and don’t matter at all.
Congratulations on eating a cat’s testicle. The entire family is so proud of you.
Also, are you thinking of alcohol or hydrogen peroxide? The latter does not burn as much and I remember us having some in a brown bottle. Pretty sure alcohol comes in clear bottles. At least, the rubbing kind does.
Those are some crazy dreams. I have to admit I am really glad you said the cat testicle was not hairy, I was majorly skeezing out at the thought of you eating a hairy testicle. But better you then me I always say! And a shark eating half your wallet is majorly cool, maybe you were out surfing! Props on you!
I’m pretty sure it must have been hydrogen peroxide. Thanks for filling in the details of my dreams, little buddy.
And, Elizabeth, I think that relating the dream was worth it because you typed the words “eating a hairy testicle”. That is probably the grossest thing that you could ever type ever.