ALSO sexy, incidentally, is maths. That is just a side note but a possibly useful one so remember it.

Anyway, I realized recently that doing the splits is a great way to get attention. I am all about attention.

I have decided that I want to do the splits. This led me to do some splits research into the splits. I have also decided that I am not going to be ridiculous about it like certain people.

I can hear you now. But these are all photographs of ladies, Joshua! You are a man. Can men do the splits?

Uh, yeah.

That would be most unrealistic case scenario. Best case scenario has me looking something more along the following lines in a few months.

HOLY COW is that dude sexy or what? Ladies I hope you held onto your … um … sexy meters? Because they are probably going off the charts or something now? That dude is pretty amazing, right? Someday. I’ve chronicled my best effort at doing the splits here for future generations.

I am optimistic that someday I will be able to comfortably touch groin to ground in a full splits. Just like my hero. Whoever that dude in the speedos is. I doubt that my nipples will ever be as glorious as his. OH WELL.

I loved that apple. I don’t feel nothing for you.

Right, the article says that you are twice as likely to follow through if you have written down how you are going to follow through. That this works probably has something to do with visualization. Imagining how awesome my muscles will look when I can do thirty-five pull ups in a row is good motivation but doesn’t actually help me get there. Imagining how I am going to get up in the morning and do more and more pull ups each day is forcing myself to focus on the implementation of my goal and paves the way to it.

I figured I’d write down some implementation intentions fora few of my new year resolutions.

• If it is 6:15 AM and a weekday then I will get out of bed and do exercise for half an hour. (It will probably be Just Dance 3 and pull ups.)
• If I am going to bed and I haven’t yet read my scriptures for the day then I will read them before I go to sleep.
• If it is Sunday night and I haven’t finished my letter to my mother for the week then I will finish it before I go to sleep.

Grimble gramble, groused the grue when tossling up it saw,
A rare ragnunctious rander with kithering cole and slaw.

Skipping and skapping the rander wrothe, noticing none the least,
That every skap and every skip, did nearen him to the beast.

That groutful grue with famping fangs and sheer unyielding kreel,
Would feast once, twice, and thrice again on such a framptious meal.

Its tapping trendils and trapping tendrils waited for their turn,
To pap, snack, crop and slamp away the meaty little kern.

Tho sun was shining loudly, and clouds were drifting bright,
No warning warned the rander, the plightness of his plight.

He skipped too far, he skapped too near, and soon he’d pay the price,
With swaftest speed the grue struck out and neatly snortched a slice.

Not once, of course, but twice, and thrice, for rander, slaw and cole,
It schlumped the three with kithering, and bruised on to its hole.

Tis only fair, it later shared, whilst it wheezed thru lordling sneezes,
One cannot skap and skip one’s roins, any way one pleases.

Early attempts at writing and drawing are heartening. It feels like I am at the level of a first grader. The most aggravating thing is not being able to confidently draw circles. Pressing down hard enough to make a solid mark is also tricky.

Using the mouse isn’t awful but it is a lot less comfortable than with my right hand. I keep wanting to use my right hand because it will be easier but so far I’ve managed to resist. I haven’t swapped the mouse buttons either so that I’ll be able to use anybody’s computer with my left hand without having to do any jiggering of anything.

Soon I’ll be able to be my own evil twin! I’ll wear my watch on my right hand and write with my left hand and wear a moustache. But only on even days.

You’re probably wondering if the skinny jeans are an essential part of the design.

Here is how I made my bed.

I bought some lumber from a place a bit of a drive from my house and then sort of tied it to the roof of my car and then drove very slowly and carefully home. Four of the boards were fourteen feet long and my great fear was that I would have to stop suddenly and javelin them through the car in front of me. I didn’t take a picture of the lumber on my car but here it is after I’d cut some of it down to size.

And here I am with my cutting implement: the mighty jig saw. Mallory’s dad offered to let me borrow a saw and sander but I had already purchased this saw and there wasn’t really a good way for us to meet up. No big deal. The jig saw worked perfectly!

Once I had everything cut I took the various pieces into my bedroom and put them together on the floor using my drill and a bunch of screws while I watched “Moulin Rouge” on my computer. I learned that it is best to pre-drill holes, that stripping screws is really obnoxious and easy to do, and that love conquers all.

The legs were hard but I learned quickly and put the worst one (the first one) in the corner so it isn’t as visible. I’ve got good storage space underneath my bed now and it is really cool knowing that I can make the legs longer if I want. Empowering!

My back was pretty sore after I finished everything and my muscles just generally ached. It was a good thing that I made something I could take a nap in! I followed the instructions here if you want to make your own bed. It isn’t as hard as you might think and loads of fun!

If two women are close enough that they feel comfortable giving each other a hug, then they are friends. If they are in the locker room and don’t got shirts on when they hug, then they are breast friends.